You are tired, (I think) Of the always puzzle of living and doing; And so am I.
Come with me, then, And we’ll leave it far and far away— (Only you and I, understand!)
You have played, (I think) And broke the toys you were fondest of, And are a little tired now; Tired of things that break, and— Just tired. So am I.
But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight, And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart— Open to me! For I will show you the places Nobody knows, And, if you like, The perfect places of Sleep.
Ah, come with me! I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon, That floats forever and a day; I’ll sing you the jacinth song Of the probable stars; I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream, Until I find the Only Flower, Which shall keep (I think) your little heart While the moon comes out of the sea.
"I’m just a f****d girl looking for my own peace of mind."
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
It’s amazing what one thinks about at 2 in the morning. Things come strangely into focus and then get blurry again.
I’ve slowly realized that for a while I’ve used writing to work out my feelings and problems. This is both a good and bad thing. It is therapeutic, but it also enables me to avoid fixing issues with people. If i get it all out on paper, I’ve realized that I never say what i’ve written to anyone’s face. It get stored away in a file on my computer and the only time those thoughts see the light of day again is if i’m organizing my laptop.
This often makes me feel crazy.
When, months later, I read back those raw words, I realize how valid they often were, and what a difference it might have made if they had been spoken instead of written. It makes me sad that in that password protected file lies countless wasted opportunities to grow closer with someone.
Because, even though it seems counterproductive to “rock the boat” of any relationship, it is an all too necessary aspect of human interaction. Otherwise that connection will wither and die a resentful death.
As i was thinking about this at 2 am, I wondered what caused me to develop this habit of conflict avoidance. Then it hit me. With my father’s explosive temper, it was always easier to just not get into any issue unless you wanted a verbal brawl. Over the years I trained myself to just shut up and deal with it on my own - a habit I’ve been fighting to change for months. It’s difficult. Sometimes physically difficult to verbally stand up for myself.
But I finally did. For the first time, I had a long talk with The Boy about something which had been bothering me for weeks, but which I had never thought was valid enough to bring up. I told him exactly how I felt without holding back or raising my voice. As I cleared the cobwebs which had been cluttering my heart and mind I braced myself for him to offer a barrage of excuses, or to brush it all off as unimportant. I waited for the tension to build. I waited for the type of “fight” I’ve had come to expect in my life.
I waited, but it never came.
Instead he simply said: “I just wish you had told me sooner. You are totally right, and I understand. Let’s talk about this and try to work it out.” Then he gave me one of the most gentle and warm hugs of my life.
I was still upset. Maybe even still a little angry. But for the first time in a long time, I felt safe enough with someone to feel that way.
It’s going to be a long road. I’m going to have to retrain myself in so many ways. I don’t think that suddenly i’m going to magically be able to really share my sometimes not so pretty feelings without feeling like i’m forcing myself. But i’ve realized that with some people, it’s safe to do that. So now the question is:
I haven’t written in a while. Not just here, but in general. Sometimes Life can feel like a marathon swim. You need to come up for air to survive.
As my favorite author Matthew Kelly once wrote: ” On one hand, we all want to be happy. On the other hand we all know what things make us happy. Yet we don’t do those things. Why? We are too busy. Too busy doing what? Trying to be happy.”
This made me think. What makes me happy?
My beautiful, lovely friends who are more like sisters and who never cease to amaze me
Grocery shopping late at night with my boy
Films which capture the complexities and imperfections of relationships and life
Films which toss reality out the window
I know all the things which make me happy. Yet so often i don’t take advantage of those things. Why? Because i’m so busy looking for perfection that I forget that the imperfections in life are what make it perfect.
So yes. In many ways, i’m a mess. I’m a controlling, emotional girl who sometimes feels a little awkward and downright crazy. I’m technically a woman. I’ll have to get used to that.
Looking in the mirror i sometimes realize that i’m a totally different person from who i was a year ago and who i thought i’d be right now. In the past that felt both scary and sad, but now i’ve realized it’s ok and you just have to give yourself a good hard look and say: